In Treatment

Since my last post, I've essentially moved into the John Zay Guest House in Colorado Springs which is across the street from the Cancer Center at Penrose Hospital. We found this place by my doctor telling us that the hospital has a place where I might stay during my five weeks of radiation treatment. I had a kind offer from a friend to stay at his place, but it is half an hour or more outside of town and, being winter here, the daily commute to get my treatment might have been subject to the weather. In fact, the first week I was here was extremely cold and, of course, snowing. Here, at the John Zay House, I only have to walk across the street, and believe me, when it is 7º outside and the wind is blowing, it can be mighty cold.

The hardest thing about this is not the treatments, they are relative quick and painless even though they have to be done regularly. It is the need to be away from home and my wife. She is so important to me, and such a support, that being half way across the state from her is hard. I'm sure it is hard on her as well and I so much appreciate her taking care of our home while I'm here.

The house here is full of people undergoing various health issues, or supporting family as they go through healing and treatment, so we share a lot in common. One thing, of many, that has come from having and dealing with cancer is that I am much more open minded and polite that I was before. Dealing with a serious illness, or condition (I don't feel particularly 'ill') is that one's perspective on life and what it is about changes. Moreso than in the obvious ways. There has been, with me, a subtle and fundamental change in how I fit into and relate to the world. I don't think there is any reason why I, or anyone else, exists but I do think I have an obligation to be kind and helpful and as little judgemental as I can be. This, especially for me, is not easy, but understanding that we all have a short time on the earth and what we do here amongst our loved ones and neighbors is important to the quality of our lives and perception of ourselves is making me a better and more peaceful person.

Every day I walk to the Cancer Center, check in with my own bar-coded badge and walk back to the radiation thearpy area where I'm always greeted cheerfully by the technicians there. When my turn on the machine comes, I get my warm blanket and lay back on the table. My feet and legs are supported by shaped dense foam pads and I'm given a large foam donut to hold. This keeps my hands occupied and my arms from floating around. When the treatment starts and the machine moves, clicks, whirrs and whines around me, I have found it easy to begin a kind of meditaton in which I concentrate on my breathing and the environment around me. When thoughts come, I recognize that there is a thought, then somehow send it on its way recognizing it is a thought and not the thinker. I manage to become, for brief moments strung together, part of the world around me, not apart from it, an observer, but more of an experiencer. Difficult to describe.

Soon, some indeterminate time after it's begun, it is over. I leave and walk to the hospital cafeteria for lunch. It's a good place to eat since they offer both nutritious and mostly well-prepared food at very reasonable prices. Then I have almost twenty-four long hours before I get to do that all over again.

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